Posted by: Little Miss | September 23, 2007

Time Flies

I didn’t realize until I got ready to go to a friend’s house for dinner tonight that I had not left my house in five days. I came home from work last Tuesday and have been homebound – and mostly bed-bound – since. I’ve gone outside to let the puppies out for their little potty run and once walked to the mailbox and back.

Wow.

Tomorrow I go back to work. My biggest fear is that after three or four days of commuting, I’m going to have another flareup and be unable to go anywhere for another few days. It’s not really living when I’m holed up in my house not speaking to or seeing anyone other than my daughter who lives with me, or talking to my virtual friends on the internet.

And how on earth am I going to meet that totally loving, understanding, and compassionate companion if I don’t get out and let myself be seen?

Somehow I have to find the solution – the balance between work and caring for my physical and emotional health. I am usually patient and steadfast and endure so much more than I should for longer than I should. Then I feel guilty when I can’t live up to my own self-imposed expectations.

I also intuitively feel that the final solution is going to be nothing that I can envision or foresee right now. I often say to myself, “That which does not grow or change, dies.”  This fibromyalgia is an opportunity for me to grow and change, but I don’t yet know how that will manifest. And that’s fine with me. Somehow I will make adjustments at work – or make adjustments to the type of work I do. Somehow I will continue to survive and support myself. Or perhaps the lesson is for me to learn how to finally ask for help when I need it. Either way, I’m open to finding the solution.

But it all takes time.

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Responses

  1. Hey, I can completely relate; I have become a bit of a recluse lately myself. I have reactive arthritis which is rare so you’ve probably never heard of it. I can’t say I have any great advice b/c I’m not setting a good example staying alone most of the time. I did get a dog, a Jack Russell, which is awesome, and I’m married so I do see my husband. Anyways, I have some things to work on also, but I am going back to school. I’m a nurse and my work at the hospital just doesn’t go well with two swollen knees. Good Luck to you; you’re not alone. There are alot of us with chronic illness out there who are trying to figure out how to cope.
    I like your poetry.

    bbabe-26yr old nurse in the south

  2. Thanks BBabe! Nursing is a wonderful profession. My oldest daughter was in school to be a nurse, but she’s a full-time mommy right now. I’m sorry you have a chronic illness too but I venture to guess that makes you an even more compassionate nurse. Take care and hope to hear from you again soon.

  3. You know, I think we’re about in the same place on this, although you have the canine companion and I have the human. Isn’t it weird to be going through all of this and still feel hopeful that the outcome will be good?


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