Posted by: Little Miss | December 2, 2007

Fibro – First and Foremost

I wish that was not the case, but it is. This means that for every action I take, I have to think how much energy it will use, what responsibilities and commitments I have in the next few days that might be impacted if I have a flareup, and what I can do to minimize a flare up. The brain drain thinking those things alone causes fatigue.

There are some things I do – like help my new-mommy-daughter – where it doesn’t matter. I’m going to push through anyway and consequences be damned. But on an average day, I really have to guage my energy exertions, especially so I have enough left to do the job for which I’m paid – editing and writing for a consulting firm.

When I was hired at this job this year, I had symptoms of fibro, but never in my wildest dreams did I think this was the cause of my overall aches and pains and fatigue. It got worse when I had to commute daily to downtown with a one-hour or more bus ride each way. After diagnosis, I told my immediate staff manager, who has tried to be understanding. It’s hard to describe to other people just how bad it can get, especially if you’re like me and you make looking perfect on the outside a career itself. What I’ve taken to doing to conserve energy is to work from home as much as possible. This works fine for my staff manager and other people I work for, including clients. They couldn’t care less where I work from as long as I produce and I’m available by the usual channels: instant messenger, email, phone, and the occasional in-person meeting.

However, for my boss’ boss, it’s not such an easy sell. I’m not sure why – and he’s a thirty-something so that makes it even more confounding to me. It seems to me like a no-brainer for the modern world. And some recent developments at work mean I’m going to have to disclose my physical condition to him as well. I dread that. I’m stressing about it, and the stress causes flare-ups, and so it goes. My concern is being looked at differently – as someone who isn’t what they expected when hired, or someone who can’t do the job, or someone who is a dead weight that the company no longer wants. 

On a side note – my last visit with my physical therapist was a bit uncomfortable. At one point she again brought up weight loss. I am not sure where she thinks she has the right to keep mentioning this to me as if I’m 400 pounds overweight with comments like, your knees will hurt less, and so on. She clearly has me confused with someone else. And nothing she’s telling me is news. I’ve heard it all before and for all my life and I’ll do something about it when I’m good and ready. So, finally, I was very direct, told her I had absolutely no interest in my weight right now, and that losing weight was the least of my concerns. I’m more concerned about how to deal with the fibro daily so I can hang on to my job, continue to support myself, and keep paying my mortgage. She later told me I was borderline bitchy. Sheesh. I’m borderline close to getting a new therapist.

So, that’s where I am tonight. I have to drive into work tomorrow for one reason only: to make an appearance. I get resentful of that, fearful of a flareup, and guilty because I know my company has a business to run and I want to be a valuable contributor to them. I’m also scared that my first huge editing project for their client will be a flop because I’ve wasted energy – and time = commuting to a office that is not conducive to editing. I’m sure that won’t be the case (that my project will flop) but I’m worried nonetheless.

Now for my beauty sleep… toodles!

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Responses

  1. Oh yeah….. MOVE ON! A therapist shouldn’t ADD to your stress, right? Good luck with the hunt. By the way, have you had any luck with finding a doctor for you daughter yet?

  2. Hi Tammy – Ya, PT is supposed to help, not stress you out and hurt worse. We have been given by her attorney a couple names of doctors in the area so we have to call them. I want to go see one of them as well.

    How are you doing?

  3. I’m with Tammy– fire that PT pronto! You HAVE to be with someone who understands this syndrome and can understand the impact of stress on your body– she obviously doesn’t. GRRRRR….makes me so mad…I want to go beat her up. And I’ll take on that little pipsqueak boss’s boss too. Just say the word. My hormones are itching for a fight.

  4. It often takes me a long time to make changes, but this one might come sooner than later. I’m with you both – and my younger daughter doesn’t like her – period. I will talk to my chiropractor when I see him tomorrow and see what he recommends too. I mentioned it the other day and he raised his eyebrows with a comment I told him she made.

    And the boss’ boss? Well, he hasn’t said anything yet cuz I clocked 53 billable hours last week, and so far this week (Thursday) I’ve clocked in 39. I’m beat!


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